“Who knew you could ruin a child’s day simply by serving the milk in the wrong-colored cup?”

A screaming 3-year-old who has thrown himself on the floor of a toy store, kicking his dad because he had been denied the toy cars as he has already bought another toy of his choice, does this situation looks familiar? Yes of course, we all have been there as parents of toddlers. Thrashing arms and legs or stomping feet, crying or screaming at the top of their voice, biting, hitting, or pushing out of anger and frustration, either stiffening their body or going completely limp, making it difficult to pick them up for things that seem completely unreasonable for us is the core of toddler tantrums. I have seen many parents are terrified of taking their toddlers out in a shopping mall or even to visit family or friends because they are unsure of that tiniest thing that can trigger their children to a full-blown tantrum. The children’s behavior plunges their parents into a profound sense of shame and guilt. But are these tantrums a sign of a bad, manipulative child or result of your faulty parenting, NO….that’s not the truth!! Tantrums are result of developing brain wiring, where the child is temporarily overwhelmed by big emotions that he/she is unable yet process or put into words.

Let’s take a look at some ways you can weather the storm and guide them back to calm.

1. Prevention of Trigger before the Outburst: Make sure to apply the HALT check before stepping out of the house. Assess if your child Hungry, Angry, Lonely or Tired and take care of these needs at first because not just kids but adults too are highly susceptible to any of these triggers.
2. De-escalate the situation by dropping volume of your voice: Raising your voice to resist their screaming does more harm than good as the emotional brain gets even more triggered. Stooping down to their level and speaking quietly forces them to quiet down just to listen what you are saying. Keep your speech to the minimum as they are unable to process your words with overcharged brain.
3. Empathize with the emotion: Try to name their emotion and acknowledge that their feelings are valid. For eg, you can say, “you are angry because you are not getting that toy.” But at the same time, keep your rules intact and convey them to your kids in kind but calm manner. “You can choose between these two toys as we are buying only one for you this time.” This gives them the choice and authority of decision.
4. Don’t give in to the audience pressure: While being caught up in your child’s meltdown, try to ignore the onlookers. Most of the parents have gone through the same situation, feel for you, and those who judge are best left unattended. Try to remove your child from that place without arguing to a calmer zone, if possible, by scooping them in your arms.
5. Resist the urge of giving in to the tantrums: Giving in to the child’s demand after they throw tantrums, conditions them to believe that tactics like screaming or throwing them down are the best ways to fulfil their demands and they then resort to such tactics every time they want something.

Ensure predictable and consistent schedules for naps, meals, and bedtime to prevent overtiredness and hunger, which are prime triggers for meltdowns. Focus on regulation after the tantrum by offering a hug or a soothing activity they love without demanding an apology or lecturing them for the behavior.

Howsoever, difficult it may sound, your calm demeanor helps wire a child’s brain for future resilience. Remember, the goal of managing tantrums is not to train a child who doesn’t get upset but to help them learn how to deal with these upsetting emotions through modelling.

“Sometimes, the tantrum isn’t the real battle, your patience is!!”