“One of the most sincere forms of respect is actually listening to what another has to say!!”

Your 8-year-old daughter comes home after playing with friends in the evening, you have just wrapped up office call. She comes to you and whines, “I don’t want to play with them again. They are so mean!” Already tired, you just dismiss her saying, “oh.. this is your everyday ritual. Talk to them nicely tomorrow and they will be good to you!!” Your child wants to talk more but for you the topic is already closed. You just drive her away to freshen up. In another situation, your teenage son comes to you to sign his test papers having scored low. You just start lecturing about how he doesn’t work hard and his mobile use and what not before signing. He finally turns a deaf ear to you, leaves the papers there itself and walks away to continue whatever he is doing, and you feel frustrated by this behavior. Quite familiar scenes in our households… isn’t it??

Our parenting often involves solving problems of our kids, giving them instructions or correcting their behavior. But in all this we actually forget to understand what our children are trying to communicate with us. This is where the concept of active listening comes into the picture. Active listening is paying full attention, attempting to understand the underlying emotions, and responding empathetically. It basically means listening without interrupting, judging, dismissing, or immediately offering solutions. This way children feel accepted and understood. Active listening can be therefore very important skill every parent must learn to strengthen the relationship with their child.

Let’s understand how active listening actually helps in parenting?

• Builds trust: When children are heard, they feel that their words and emotions matter to the parents and they are more likely to open up when they are heard without immediate judgements and criticism.
• Reduces misunderstandings and conflicts: Children misbehave when they feel ignored or misunderstood. Listening to children and understanding the reason behind child’s behavior helps parents to respond rather than reacting impulsively in turn reducing the arguments.
• Boosts emotional intelligence and expression: When parents listen to and verbalize the feelings of their child, the child learns to recognize feelings, communicate their needs and emotions, and also understand other people’s perspectives. For example, when we say “You seem hurt by your friend’s behavior. Would you like to share what hurt you?” in the situation given at the beginning, the child is likely to understand their own feeling and express their concern with the parent.
• Improves connection: The connection between the parent and child improves as the child is more likely to share things with you, if they feel they are heard or listened to without any judgement.

Now that we know how active listening helps, let’s discuss some tips to practice it.

• Give undivided attention and eye contact: Put away all distractions and maintain a comfortable eye contact when you are with your child.
• Listen without interrupting: Let the child finish their talk without immediate solutions, advice or lectures. Sometimes kids don’t want a fix; they just want to be heard.
• Reflect and paraphrase: Repeat the essence of what they said along with the emotion they are expressing. For e.g. “You are sad because you lost your favorite eraser.”
• Ask open-ended questions: To encourage communication and sharing, use questions such as “What happened next?” or “What did you enjoy the most/Why was it hard for you?” instead “How was your day?” “Did you like the game?” where the answers are usually monosyllables like “Good/bad” or “Yes/No.”

Important disclaimer: When you listen to the child’s perspective, it doesn’t mean you agree to whatever they are saying. When you validate their feelings, you don’t accept inappropriate behavior. Parents can listen patiently while maintaining clear, consistent boundaries.

Example:

Child: “You are being unfair; all my friends are going for that sleepover; I am also going!!”

Parent: “I know you really want to go to sleepover at your friend’s place, and it’s tough to feel left out of the fun, when some of your friends will be joining. But our rule is that we don’t do sleepovers. Alternatively, you can join them now and I can pick you up at 10:00 PM so you can stay for the dinner.”

The child will definitely try to argue but staying calm but firm is the key. This way child feels heard, while the boundary remains intact.

Although, active listening is one important part of supportive parenting, it is a skill to be acquired by intentional daily practice. It can’t be achieved overnight and is not even a magic pill with desired outcome guarantee. It is a great tool to build greater trust and openness between parents and children.

Remember, children may not always remember the advice they received but they always need parents who can be a safe space where they feel heard and respected.

“Parents who listen raise children who communicate!!”