A child needs your love most when he deserves it least!!

As we have already discussed in the previous blog post “Why do children misbehave?“, the misbehavior of children is a way of expressing their need to belong. They feel discouraged and are craving for belongingness and significance. Therefore, to redirect the misbehavior to a positive behavior, we need to give them encouragement so that they can feel secure. But then, do we adults really know how to show our encouragement to the children? Especially, in the moments of arguments or conflicts, we are wired to react aggressively to the tantrums thrown by the children. Although, we are aware that our behavior is irrational, we easily blame it to be the natural response to the kid’s misbehavior. And we expect the kids to stop their “irrational behavior” so that we can automatically calm down.

It is indeed difficult to act wise in the moment of conflict. Therefore, “Positive Time-out” is an effective way to deal with the situation where both the adults and children can take some time out, calm down and then think about the problem rationally. Of course, positive time-out should neither be viewed as an escape from the issue nor enforced on the children as a punishment. It is just a pause taken to relax and revisit the situation with an intention of finding solution.

Now, the next step is to encourage our children to feel capable. They should develop the belief that they can contribute effectively to the situations happening around them. Our encouragement will help the children to learn the necessary life skills and social responsibilities as a child as well as future adult. And don’t worry, there isn’t a rocket science involved in this, just our warm and affectionate words or a simple hug can act as a perfect encouragement to our child to feel better and fulfil their need to belong. These kinds of actions are especially helpful in young kids who often throw tantrums to gain attention.

We often view misbehavior as something to be taken care of immediately either by punishing the child or by giving in to their demands. But redirecting misbehavior to some contributing direction can be useful which of course is possible only when we know behavior patterns and needs of our child. Often children who are disruptive have good leadership qualities, so they can be encouraged to take age-appropriate responsibilities in a way that their leadership skills are utilized. When kids offend someone by being disrespectful, they can be told about making amends and doing something so that the person they offended feels better. This should be done in a friendly and respectful way by the adults. For eg, if my kid spoils a drawing made by one of his classmates, he should be asked how he can make his friend feel better and give him some options like making a drawing together or gifting him a handmade sorry card, etc. Asking kids for the options without blaming or lecturing them is a skill which we adults need to learn. Again, taking time out may be necessary sometimes when either we or the child is angry or vulnerable.

We adults often make a mistake of equating praise to encouragement. It’s true that praise can motivate some children to behave better but they may start craving for approval of others every time they do something and become people pleasers for gaining praise.

The most important difference between the praise and the encouragement is that praise always addresses “the doer” whereas encouragement addresses “the deed“. So, instead of saying “he’s such a good boy“, it’s better to say, “he has done such a good job.” Praise develops a belief in the kids ‘unless people praise me, I am not worthy or important‘ and as a result of this belief, they may stop doing good things when adults stop praising them. In contrast, the child develops belief that ‘encouragement is appreciation for his/her deed or behavior and not the child himself‘ and therefore, it doesn’t evaluate his worth which helps him to develop self-confidence and self-reliance.

Encouragement is a process which can be achieved through various ways. We just need to explore ways suitable for our child’s need. And of course, in the process of encouraging the children don’t forget to pat your back for this journey you are taking as parents!!

Mistakes are a fact of life. It is the response to the error that counts.