“Meanings are not determined by situations, but we determine ourselves by the meanings we give to situations.“
Alfed Adler
We, as human beings react to different situations in our life in different ways. These reactions either in the form of thoughts, decisions or behaviors sometimes result in forming a pattern. This pattern is what Jane refers to as our lifestyle priorities. My lifestyle priority won’t “define” who am I, it rather showcases the decisions that I make in order to attempt a sense of belonging and significance for myself.
According to Adlerian Psychology, there are 4 main priorities namely superiority, control, comfort, and pleasing. These priorities are like “spectacles” used by individuals to decide their perception of life and how they fit in it. Each personality priority has an “asset” or immediate goal which the person wants to achieve and a “fear or deadlock” which the person wants to avoid.
| Priority | Characteristics | Assets | Fear |
| Superiority | Strive to be best, perfectionism, hard work, overburdened. | Knowledgeable, idealistic, persistent. | Meaninglessness, unimportance, insignificance. |
| Control | Organized and assertive but appear demanding and bossy. | Leadership, persistent, productive, assertive. | Humiliation, criticism, unexpected situations. |
| Comfort | Empathetic, easygoing, mellow. | Peacemaker, less demanding, predictable. | Emotional and physical pain, stress, expectations from others |
| Pleasing | Work hard to please others, demand approval from others, willing to compromise. | Friendly, considerate, non-aggressive. | Rejection, abandonment, conflict, disapproval. |
The assets and fears of each priority affect how we behave as a parent. Therefore, it is necessary to understand our lifestyle priorities to make informed choices about the strategies to use rather than just resigning to situation and our perceptions. Both parents having different personality priorities may use different parenting strategies which in turn can either confuse the children or prompt them to manipulate the parents.
Parents with comfort lifestyle priority try to avoid pain and stress and therefore give a message to their children that they need not follow any rule which causes them stress and can always do whatever they want. Parents with control lifestyle priority, on the other hand, act too strict to avoid criticism and humiliation wherein the children are either too frustrated or act rebellious. Also, the behavior of parents resulting from their lifestyle priorities prompts children to decide their priority based on “therefore, I must…..” belief. Like,
- “I’m little; others are big. Therefore, others must always take care of me.” (Comfort).
- “I’m little; others are big. Therefore, I must always please others so that they love me.” (Pleasing)
This has been beautifully explained by Jane Nelsen in her book “Positive Discipline.”
When we understand this concept of different lifestyle priorities and start appreciating the assets of these priorities together while working on liabilities of individual priorities with support from the other partner, parenting a child together can definitely be an enriching experience, isn’t it??
“A child needs your love most when he deserves it least!!”
Erma Bombeck.
Mind Matters!! 