You are either part of the solution, or you are part of the problem!!

In the last post, we have already discussed about the reasons behind the misbehavior of children. Taking into consideration, the mistaken beliefs behind the misbehaving child, we can try to find solutions to deal with the misbehavior. Many parents talk about disciplining the child so that they don’t misbehave but the problem with that is traditionally, discipline mainly talks about “what not to do” than talking about “what to do“. This leads to resistance from the children. Therefore, we need to involve children to think about what to do to get through the difficult situations and start making better behavioral choices.

When we, as parents focus on solutions and involve the kids while working out solutions for problems involving both of us, they also learn to look for options to deal with the problem rather than just cribbing about it. As we all know, children are excellent problem solvers as they have many creative ideas to find solutions, we adults can take time to discuss and allow them many opportunities to use their problem-solving skills.

Jane explains that we should train the kids “The Three R’s and an H for focusing on solutions“. These are solutions to any problem should be related, respectful, reasonable, helpful. To explain this in detail, let us take an example. We all have this common complaint about our children that they refuse to clean their rooms. Their rooms are always messy with books, toys and clothes lying everywhere. We keep on nagging about it constantly and still nothing changes. If the child is sharing room with siblings or grandparents or parents, then it becomes another whole reason for fighting.

To find solution to this problem, we can discuss it on a common family platform like family meetings (this will be discussed in the next blog post). Let the kids understand the need for maintaining organized room without lecturing (eg. keeping things on a dedicated place saves time of searching it in emergency). You can share age-appropriate examples to describe situations you faced due to your messy room. Next, you can ask for solutions from the kids to handle this issue. They may suggest ‘n’ number of options some of which may sound silly to you but let the kids explore options and then together you all as a family can finalize 1-2 feasible options and start experimenting with them. For eg. you all can decide a common time when mother, father and kids can do selected chores. Like after dinner, if mother is winding up kitchen, the kid can keep few things in his room in place while father can make bed for all. You can have multiple combinations as kids usually get bored of same type of chores. I know, this sounds tedious but with time, patience and practice, this will definitely help to reduce the everyday struggle over chores. Of course, this strategy works fine with kids up to age of 7-8 years. For older kids, we need to be little more flexible and give them choices of decision on how and when they want to do it but telling them what needs to be done.

In this journey, mistakes are bound to happen but always remember to remind ourselves as well as our children that mistakes are not horrible, rather we should look at them as ways to learn. Always try to focus on what can be done to fix a problem and even if we can’t fix it completely what best can be done in the situation. Also, when children are involved in the process of solution finding, they feel encouraged to use their energy in constructive and contributing ways. So, let’s start with the process of finding solutions with our children.

Don’t find fault, find a remedy.

Henry Ford.