Discipline is helping a child solve a problem; punishment is making a child suffer for having a problem.

L.R. Knost

In the last post, we discussed some of the major changes that happened in the society and influenced our as well as our children’s lives. In addition to this, one more important factor is the interaction between adults and children. In her book, “Positive Discipline”, Jane mentioned three approaches of adult-child interaction. These are: 1. Strictness (showing excessive control), 2. Permissiveness (having no limits), 3. Positive Discipline (Kindness and firmness at same time; authoritative way). Let’s see how the parent will interact with the child in these three ways: The parent with strictness approach will say, “You do it because I said so (no questions asked).” The parent with permissive approach will say, “You can do anything you want (you have all the freedom)“. Finally, the parent with positive discipline approach will tell, “You can choose within limits that shows respect to all (you can choose between 2-3 options)“.

Now, the problem with strictness is that the child is punished for misbehavior. Sometimes, it may stop immediately due to the fear of punishment but may return soon with more vigor. The child of permissive parents learns to manipulate others for their benefit and develop faulty beliefs like ‘I am not loved unless people around me do something for me’. In case of positive discipline, the child understands that his/her manipulation tactics doesn’t work, which may at first aggravate the misbehavior but with practice, child is motivated to change their behavior.

One of the interesting concepts of Positive Discipline for me is the Four R’s of Punishment. When I was a new mother, I relied on punishments when my child misbehaved not having known any other effective way of handling the misbehavior (of course, I still use it sometimes being used to it but at least now I know better ways to handle my misbehavior). While reading about positive discipline, I came to know that as long-term effect of punishments, children generally resort one or more of the Four R’s of Punishment:

1. Resentment: The child feels, “This is unfair. I can’t trust adults.”
2. Revenge: The child thinks, “They are winning now but I’ll score too against them.”
3. Rebellion: The child decides, “I’ll do just the opposite to prove I don’t have to do it their way.”
4. Retreat:
   • a. Sneakiness– The child thinks, “I won’t get caught next time.”
   • b. Reduced Self-esteem– The child feels,” I am a bad person that’s why I behave bad.”

When I thought about it, I could completely relate to this. Isn’t it? Remember, when we were children and adults in our family or teachers punished us, didn’t we feel this way although we were not able to understand and express it openly. And then, we expect our children to behave the way we want them to after we punish them. Here, Jane asks her famous question, “where did we ever get this crazy idea that in order to make children do better, first we have to make them feel worse?” True, who feels like cooperating when you are humiliated or treated unfairly. Think about it and let me know your views. In the next post, we will be talking more about this kind and firm approach.

Punishment targets the child, but not his behavior. Your child is good, it’s the behavior that needs work.